MA WORLD CUP GROUP STAGE ROUNDUP

 

Reyt. That’s ya group stage done. 72 matches. In 18 days. If you’ve watched every minute of every game then fair play. Commitment, is that. But ya need to grow up. Get a life. Get some friends. Been crackin’ flags out. Heatwave. Probably not noticed, mind. Keir Starmer had one final go ont’ weather machine before departing number 10. Nice one lad.

England avoided a few potential banana skins. Tommy Tuchel’s Three Lions topped Group L, unbeaten. Put Croatia to the sword int’ second half of their opening game, but looked far from convincing against Ghana and Panama. A bit slow. Boring. Lacked penetration. And look dodgy at the back. Probably struggle against someone half decent. As my old man put it on Sunday, “What a load of crap. No chance of winning it.” Yet to come down with a case of World Cup fever has our G. Shame. There’s time yet, though.

It could be worse, anyway. Could be Scotland. The new format made it almost impossible for anyone half decent to go out in the group stages. Yet Scotland managed it. Impressive, is that. Rate it. Fair play to Steve Clarke, though. Lad resigned half hour after Scotland’s elimination was confirmed. Penned a four year contract other month an’ all. Knows he’s had a stinker. Knows it’s the right thing to do. Any man starting Grant Hanley. At a World Cup. In 2026. Should be tried at The Hague. An international war crime, is that. And that was before he had ‘em playing out from the back. Against Brazil. Vini Junior and Cunha pressing ‘em like mad. Causing havoc. Know ya limits, Steve. Get shut. Hit the bag man. Ya not City. Ultimately, though, if ya only bagging once against Haiti you probably deserve an early dart.

Been a funny old tournament so far. Not much hype. Not much excitement. Kick off times probably the main reason for that. America over commercialising everything another. Plenty of heads over there can’t comprehend watching a full half of football without an ad break. So, obviously, Infantino’s bent over for ’em. And they’ve introduced ‘hydration breaks’ every 23 minutes. Quarters, effectively. Which would be understandable if it were crackin’ the flags. Players struggling. Blowing out their arses. Dripping. But in some cities it’s not. It’s been warmer in Blackburn than Boston. Pissing down for a few games too. It’s killing the flow of games. Killing momentum. Music blasts out for three minutes whilst players have a timeout. Gaffers use it to make tactical tweaks. Then they can’t resume play until American channels have stopped showing adverts for Gatorade and shite. Honking.

There’s a proper battle for the Golden Boot. Lionel Messi’s now the all time leading goalscorer at World Cup competitions. Which was inevitable, really. He is inevitable. Ageing like a fine wine. Bagged in all three group games. And it’s now seven World Cup games ont’ bounce with a goal. Another record, apparently. Mbappe, Dembele, Vini Junior and Haaland are all two behind him on four. And Kane’s got three. Big lad overtook Gary Lineker as England’s all-time leading goalscorer at World Cups. Lineker said he’s chuffed for the lad. Bet he’s not. Bet he’s fuming. Scranning shit loads of Walkers crisps to make himself feel better, fair play.

Someone else who’s probably fuming, Crisitano Ronadlo. Bet it’s killing him seeing everyone else deliver. Seeing Messi continue smashing records. An absolute nightmare to live with these past few weeks, no doubt. Just hope Bruno’s had the bollocks to have a word int’ ear. Arm around the shoulder. “Ronny, ya done mate. Call it a day.” Portugal could win it if they weren’t carrying a passenger up top. Lad screamed “I’m back” after bagging twice. Against Uzbekistan. Ranked 50th int’ world. Embarrassed for him. Embarrassed for myself, actually. Backed him to be the tournament top scorer. Bad shout, that.

VAR, and the officiating overall, has been pretty sound. But refs are knocking about with their names on the back of their shirts, and VAR lads are being forced to pose for the cameras pre-game. Can’t get behind any of that. Nahh. Utter woke nonsense.

David Beckham could get where water can’t at this World Cup. Lad’s everywhere. On every billboard. Every TV ad. At every game, well most. Spotted in the stands t’other night swigging a large glass of red. Far too sophisticated for the footy, is that. Wouldn’t get that int’ Championship. Nahh. Be Bovril.

 

One last moan. FIFA using head-to-head rather than goal difference to determine who finishes higher if level on points. Resulted in far too many dead rubbers. Less jeopardy. There’s a lot that needs fixing in football, that wasn’t one of ‘em.

 

Onto knockout football now. The good stuff. Into ‘em.